The next line in my journey...

Hello

In order to have a new you for a new year we have to start taking care of ourselves. So first up went to the doctor for my knee so I can start exercising and losing weight. That did not work so well when I did not see a doctor but a physician's assistant and he was a prick. I wish I could tape these conversations with "doctors" because it would be hopeless. We go to doctors to have them explain our pain and to be able to empathize if they cannot do that then what the hell are you doing in the medical field period. To come to the point they didn't do anything, and now I am going to another doctor for a second opinion because if it hurts when I walk and I cannot do anything to lose weight then I am screwed. 

So far my new you is going no where and I am losing steam in the whole process. I want to be healthier not the skinny people in the magazines or in pictures. I want to be happy however I don't know if I am looking at it correctly. I mean I see the way I looked before and I am like I wasn't bad looking and yet I don't participate because of my weight. What do you do?

Other things are going well I think I am going to school which is weird. I want to do something in my life like own a cafe or diner and have my friends and family involved. I want a homey atmosphere of happiness. My husband is not at all supportive and he is so pessimistic. I need support for my dreams and I have only my friends and family. When I say family I mean my children and mother in law. I do not think my sister would be supportive because it is a dog eat dog world. I am ok with that truthfully but in a way it still hurts.

I want to be more positive. That is my destination for this year and I am fully committed to accomplishing that. I do not want goals or resolutions I just want to make plans and stick to it. I do not want to say it is January and you need to state what your going to do for the year. I should have done it through out the year. I think the first thing is admitting I am lost, confused and need direction. No matter how much I have on my plate it comes back to feeling a purpose.

Well until next time... Eat like your going to starve. Act like there is no more time. Play like there will be no more games left.

My Book List Of 2012

                                 My Book List 2012

45. Futures In Frosting by Tara Sivec
44. Opal By Jennifer Armentrout
43. Wild About You by Kerrelyn Sparks
42. Betrayed: A Cyn & Raphael Novella by D.B. Reynolds
41. Hope's chance by Jennifer Foor
40. The Sweet Gum Tree by Katherine Allred
39. Kitty Steals The Show by Carrie Vaughn
38. How To Kill A Rock Star by Tiffanie DeBartolo
37. Bear Necessities (Halle Shifters) by Dana Marie Bell
36. Broken by Kimberley Reeves
35. With love; Now & Forever by RaeAnne Hadley
34. Cynful (Halle Shifters) by Dana Marie Bell
33. 13 to Life (13 to Life #1) by Shannon Delany
32. Measuring Up by Nyrae Dawn
31. If I Lie by Corrine Jackson
30. Pushing the Limits (Pushing The Limits #1) by Katie McGarry
29. Avoiding Commitment by K.A. Linde
28. Onyx by Jennifer Armentrout
27. Shadows by Jennifer Armentrout
26. The Wedding Blitz by Leah Spiegel
25. Captive In The Dark by C.J. Roberts
24. Clash by Nicole Williams
23. Up In Flames by Nicole Williams
22. Motorcycle Man By Kristen Ashley
21. Finding Home by Lauren Baker
20. Descendants Of Darkness (Almost Human 2nd Trilogy) By Melanie Nowak
19. Gabriel's Inferno by Sylvain Reynard
18. The Sea of Tranquility by Katja Millay
17. Beyond Shame (Beyond #1) by Kit Rocha
16. Losing It by Cora Carmack
15. Creed by Kristen Ashley
14. The Proposition by Katie Ashley
13. Flesh by Kylie Scott
12. Reflected in You by Sylvia Day
11. Iced By Karen Marie Moning
10. Just Remember To Breathe by Charles Miles-Sheehan
09. Fallen Too Far by Abbi Glines
08. Undeniable by Madeline Sheehan
07. Obsidian by Jennifer Armentrout
06. Taking Chances by Molly McAdams
05. Until The Sun Falls From The Sky by Kristen Ashley
04. Bone Deep by Bonnie Dee
03. Seductions And Snacks by Tara Sivec
02. The Boy Who Sneaks In My Window by Kirsty Moseley
01. On The Island by Tracy Garves-Graves


So this is my 2012 list and I am proud of it. I loved these books and they made me appreciate my life a little bit more. I was inspired and I admired these authors and I thank them for the work they go through in order for us to get them and read them. So Thank you!

Happy New Years

Ok so it is still New Year's Eve and I am hanging out with my family and laughing like I have been happy. Maybe for the first time I am HAPPY cool concept huh. So I don't know what 2013 will bring but I hope for happiness great health and money. I know the last one is a little materialistic but without the last I cannot be happy or have great health. So here goes to capitalism.

I have read some great books this year my list will be up shortly ha ha. I am so thankful for everyone I have close relationships with. I am so looking forward to the new year and bring on the happiness.

Ok so to my bestest bestie Leah you go girl and your new year will rock guarantee it.
To my friend Lisa enjoy and relax a little whatever will happen will happen.
To my mother in law Laurie take things a little slow and don't take things to heart it will work out in the end. 

To everyone else Happy Happy New Year!!!

Why I do what I do

So here I sit on a Sunday night writing. This gives me peace from a chaotic life filled with Christmas, family and money issues. I want to say that I am the way I am because of my environment but that is not the truth. The truth is it is easier to be the way I am because it is harder to change. This mirrors my outside as well as the inside which is sad when I think about it.

I want to be happy but happiness is hard work that I need to achieve by working for it instead of sitting on my ass and waiting for it. The truth is nothing comes for free and nothing comes for those who wait. I never realized it until I looked in the mirror and saw what happened to my hard work. I deserve a different life so I need to work for it and my children deserve it as well.

The people in my life are working for what they want. My husband works by running and working towards a healthier body. He also works hard for providing for us everything we need. I believe I take that for granted I better fix that. My friends work hard by working 2 or 3 different jobs, or by trying to find just 1 job to support herself and her kids. This all takes effort that I take for granted why is that did I forget. I don't want to forget I should have learned from those times I worked my ass off.

I believe we take for granted things either because we forget what it was like or because we get handed things to easily. I miss who I was before the bitterness overcame me. When did that happen because I seriously can't remember a time I wasn't that way. I miss when I was carefree and not worried about who I was offending. I want to be able to talk the way I want or to be the way I want to be.

When to be new?

So since this is a new me and I didn't know I needed to be new I figured I would start off with the many things I wish was new about me but isn't.

I still want to lose weight but that isn't happening.
I still want to be someone more in a professional way but not.
I still want to be someone that my kids, husband and friends can be proud of but am not.
I still want to be the best wife, mother and friend on the planet but progress is still slow.

I am the best I can be for right now.
I am proud to be a mother, wife and friend.
I am happy with what I acheived so far in my weight.

Can any of these things be considered new? Does any of these things make a difference to others? I still do not know.

I love to read.
I am harsh and sarcastic.
I am cruel and hostile.
I am kind and generous.
I am understanding.

These things describe the person I am, can be and have been. I wonder why many people lie to cover up what they are. I believe that people have many sides because it is needed. I still can change but I do not want to be new. Can I still change and be considered new or does someone need to change everything in order to be new and improved? Hmmm what to ponder first? Well when I know you will know.